Is sex just sex?

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OKCLane said:
It’s said that perfection is the enemy of excellence. Don’t let unrealistic expectations prevent you from dating men that don’t tick all your boxes.
Compromise is not a bad thing. I make compromises every day in my marriage but I don’t feel like I’m losing anything. It’s the natural give and take of relationships.
I have a dear friend who’s turning 60 in July. He’s had zero long term relationships. He literally has a list of questions and qualities that are deal breakers. He’s overweight and average looking but has created an idealized man that frankly doesn’t exist. He sits at home alone watching tv and complains that he can’t find a mate. It drives me bonkers.
I have another friend who is very happily married to a guy that is not his type. How’d that happen? They chatted online for hours and days and weeks. My twink chasing buddy who was never happy fell in love with a man he wouldn’t have given a second look had they met in a bar. My friend had to untick his boxes to accept this man but by the time they met he had already fallen in love.
My point, be open and don’t miss out on a guy because he isn’t mr perfect. Counseling may be beneficial in helping you sort things out. Good luck.
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Love the metaphore
This is something i need to try and focus on. Become more realistic. I have soluch high values and pressure onmyself that is no benefit to anyone.
 
Brodie888 said:
Some things are core values some things are not. It's important to differentiate which is which.
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Assuming there isnt a list? Jokes aside, I am struggeling to decide what I see as a core value and what is not. What do I prioritize in a guy? Do they really need to be great looking? Or can they be a little less smart? Or can I take an arrogant personality?
I feel there is no way of having it all, but I am far from that too.
I havent open up this much for years as I have in this thread, my head is spinning of overwhelming thoughts at this point.
 
Infernal said:
It requires you to take a hard look in the mirror and be 100% honest with yourself about what you want, or don't, out of a relationship. Sometimes we deceive ourselves about what we want in order to not appear odd, or different. Sometimes we give more concern to what others want for us, or think about the choices we make. When you strip that self deception away and you're honest with yourself, then what other people think doesn't matter. As long as you aren't being cruel, or abusing someone against their will, it doesn't matter what you like.

Honestly, an open relationship isn't for everyone. It requires a lot of work, but most things that do are worth it.

I'll be happy to talk more about it in private.
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This is somethig I have heard from friends. Be truly honest with yourself.
This is beyond difficult. Because I think “my type” I am looking for, is actually just an ideal image of who I want to be. Not who I want to date. I think I have a hard time indinfirate the two and I wuickly push them away when the smallest inconvinience happens.

I get nothing change over night but the thought of the long process ahead, I just cant help to think how I just want to start from scratch, start my life over and do it right. Of course, this isnt realistic but it feels like a less painful way.
 
Daschunq said:
This is somethig I have heard from friends. Be truly honest with yourself.
This is beyond difficult. Because I think “my type” I am looking for, is actually just an ideal image of who I want to be. Not who I want to date. I think I have a hard time indinfirate the two and I wuickly push them away when the smallest inconvinience happens.

I get nothing change over night but the thought of the long process ahead, I just cant help to think how I just want to start from scratch, start my life over and do it right. Of course, this isnt realistic but it feels like a less painful way.
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Well my friend your responses show me that you are an insightful and introspective person, both important factors in working through issues. You will get there.
Perhaps you could find volunteer opportunities. You’ll help people out and meet like minded people. You just might find someone but even if you don’t you’re doing great things for your community and yourself.
 
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Daschunq said:
This is somethig I have heard from friends. Be truly honest with yourself.
This is beyond difficult. Because I think “my type” I am looking for, is actually just an ideal image of who I want to be. Not who I want to date. I think I have a hard time indinfirate the two and I wuickly push them away when the smallest inconvinience happens.

I get nothing change over night but the thought of the long process ahead, I just cant help to think how I just want to start from scratch, start my life over and do it right. Of course, this isnt realistic but it feels like a less painful way.
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Very little in life changes overnight. It takes introspection and frankly some mileage on your heart to figure these things out. Sometimes you need to experience what you don't want, before you truly understand what you do want. If you go into a new experience with no expectations. you might be pleasantly surprised. Go out with someone far outside of your comfort zone. Meeting someone that challenges your perceptions and your point of view can really help with introspection.

When I was in my 20's, I decided I only wanted to be with someone close to my age, and who didn't have a large family so there would be less baggage and drama. I was adamant that I dind't want an open relationship either. I had a few relationships, but none lasted more than a year and a half. Luckily most of them ended peacefully. When I was 38, I met someone who challenged all of that. He was 47, divorced for 6 years, had three adult kids, and 3 month old twin granddaughters. Not at all what I thought I wanted. Here we are approaching our 10th anniversary. I now have 3 step children, and there are now 5 grandchildren who knows me as just another grandfather. The open relationship we've already discussed. What I thought I wanted, wasn't really it. What I got was far more than I expected and has enriched my life in ways I had never considered. There is still drama - it's hard to get away from that, but as we don't live close to his family we both sit back and watch it from a distance.
 
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Daschunq said:
Assuming there isnt a list? Jokes aside, I am struggeling to decide what I see as a core value and what is not. What do I prioritize in a guy? Do they really need to be great looking? Or can they be a little less smart? Or can I take an arrogant personality?
I feel there is no way of having it all, but I am far from that too.
I havent open up this much for years as I have in this thread, my head is spinning of overwhelming thoughts at this point.
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Core values are personality traits. To understand your own you can google 16 personalities and do one of the quizzes to get an understanding of your own. It's very general but it can give you some understanding.

Things like height, weight, looks, wealth, intelligence, sense of humor etc I regard as being more flexible. In most cases, these traits are best to be at a similar level to your own. A good relationship is built on balance or parity.

I think the best approach is to have an open mind, don't size people up on your check list on day one. Get to know them and see if they tick enough boxes as you go. At the very least you might make some new friends who will introduce you to others and you never know your luck from there.

I'd keep using whichever platforms you have been but I'd also look at other groups such as gay orientated churches, sporting teams, etc that you are interested in. You'll need to use your gaydar more in those circumstances but you might have more luck.
 
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Infernal said:
Very little in life changes overnight. It takes introspection and frankly some mileage on your heart to figure these things out. Sometimes you need to experience what you don't want, before you truly understand what you do want. If you go into a new experience with no expectations. you might be pleasantly surprised. Go out with someone far outside of your comfort zone. Meeting someone that challenges your perceptions and your point of view can really help with introspection.

When I was in my 20's, I decided I only wanted to be with someone close to my age, and who didn't have a large family so there would be less baggage and drama. I was adamant that I dind't want an open relationship either. I had a few relationships, but none lasted more than a year and a half. Luckily most of them ended peacefully. When I was 38, I met someone who challenged all of that. He was 47, divorced for 6 years, had three adult kids, and 3 month old twin granddaughters. Not at all what I thought I wanted. Here we are approaching our 10th anniversary. I now have 3 step children, and there are now 5 grandchildren who knows me as just another grandfather. The open relationship we've already discussed. What I thought I wanted, wasn't really it. What I got was far more than I expected and has enriched my life in ways I had never considered. There is still drama - it's hard to get away from that, but as we don't live close to his family we both sit back and watch it from a distance.
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Same song, different verse.
Didn’t know how much I would enjoy being Grandpa.
After my partner died I said no more relationships for me - too painful. Now I have a great stepson with a beautiful wife and two super grandkids. They’re 3 hours south which is the perfect distance for us. Married in NYC when it became legal in 2011. Happily married for 7 years.
Love is risky and surprising.
 
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OKCLane said:
Same song, different verse.
Didn’t know how much I would enjoy being Grandpa.
After my partner died I said no more relationships for me - too painful. Now I have a great stepson with a beautiful wife and two super grandkids. They’re 3 hours south which is the perfect distance for us. Married in NYC when it became legal in 2011. Happily married for 7 years.
Love is risky and surprising.
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Congrats !
 
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Infernal said:
Very little in life changes overnight. It takes introspection and frankly some mileage on your heart to figure these things out. Sometimes you need to experience what you don't want, before you truly understand what you do want. If you go into a new experience with no expectations. you might be pleasantly surprised. Go out with someone far outside of your comfort zone. Meeting someone that challenges your perceptions and your point of view can really help with introspection.

When I was in my 20's, I decided I only wanted to be with someone close to my age, and who didn't have a large family so there would be less baggage and drama. I was adamant that I dind't want an open relationship either. I had a few relationships, but none lasted more than a year and a half. Luckily most of them ended peacefully. When I was 38, I met someone who challenged all of that. He was 47, divorced for 6 years, had three adult kids, and 3 month old twin granddaughters. Not at all what I thought I wanted. Here we are approaching our 10th anniversary. I now have 3 step children, and there are now 5 grandchildren who knows me as just another grandfather. The open relationship we've already discussed. What I thought I wanted, wasn't really it. What I got was far more than I expected and has enriched my life in ways I had never considered. There is still drama - it's hard to get away from that, but as we don't live close to his family we both sit back and watch it from a distance.
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First of all, congratulations! That is an amazing story!
And I agree, I should widen my spectrum to find out what I actually like. My idea/assumption of something or someone may be completely different from reality. The fact that I will have to make myself vulnerable frightens me a lot. But I guess it is the only way to find someone who truly will love me? I currently tend to drown myself in work to avoid all this and use it as an excuse I dont have time to date..
 
Brodie888 said:
Core values are personality traits. To understand your own you can google 16 personalities and do one of the quizzes to get an understanding of your own. It's very general but it can give you some understanding.

Things like height, weight, looks, wealth, intelligence, sense of humor etc I regard as being more flexible. In most cases, these traits are best to be at a similar level to your own. A good relationship is built on balance or parity.

I think the best approach is to have an open mind, don't size people up on your check list on day one. Get to know them and see if they tick enough boxes as you go. At the very least you might make some new friends who will introduce you to others and you never know your luck from there.

I'd keep using whichever platforms you have been but I'd also look at other groups such as gay orientated churches, sporting teams, etc that you are interested in. You'll need to use your gaydar more in those circumstances but you might have more luck.
Click to expand...
I do try to meet people from friend groups and such but as I tend to oush people away from day one, I sit and focus on any flaw I can find until I no longer want to date them. By the end of that day, I may have met a great guy but will never make it past the shallow talk. This is something that has come to light in more recent time and have started to work away from this. But also something that takes time.
 
Daschunq said:
I do try to meet people from friend groups and such but as I tend to oush people away from day one, I sit and focus on any flaw I can find until I no longer want to date them. By the end of that day, I may have met a great guy but will never make it past the shallow talk. This is something that has come to light in more recent time and have started to work away from this. But also something that takes time.
Click to expand...

The thing to remember is that everyone is flawed, even you. It just comes down to which you can live with and which you can't.

Perhaps you are sabotaging, perhaps you want to reject before being rejected, perhaps you are justifying a belief by pushing people away. Only you can answer that. Perhaps speaking to a professional will speed up the process of finding out why.

But to start, rather than looking for what's wrong, perhaps try looking for what is right about that person before looking for the negative.
 
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For me, the answer is generally no--sex is not just sex. If it's a one night stand, one and done, will never see you again, then frankly, yes, it may well be just sex. For me, it is when the other person and I are talking or meeting up frequently, even after having sex the second time, I can't leave feeling like it was just sex. There is always something deeper going on when I'm sharing my body with someone. I start looking into their eyes, and all that romantic jazz. This could very well be my personality. Sex and emotions are almost always interconnected. I could never get involved in a friends with benefits situation, have a f*** buddy, an open relationship, etc.. I would really be messed up emotionally. Some people can compartmentalize; clearly I cannot.

Also....it's not a matter of being narrow minded. or not open. Those are labels given to people who have more traditional interests, or limited interest in exploring beyond what's necessary.
 
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as others have pointed out, sex doesn't have to be about hearts and roses all the time, even with a partner in a monogamous relationship - sometimes you just want a 'quickie' or just something very 'hot and intense' - ie something primal, an urgent need or desire and is more about oneself than your partner, other times it really is 'making love' when its about mutual sex, however you happen to have that between you and is about both partners enjoying each other and pleasing each other. I've done both in a relationship as have my partners and I think both are equally valid?

outside of a relationship, even if there is a 'connection' of sorts and you truly are trying to please each other, to me that's just sex - good fun but just about the physicality of it.
 
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Brodie888 said:
The thing to remember is that everyone is flawed, even you. It just comes down to which you can live with and which you can't.

Perhaps you are sabotaging, perhaps you want to reject before being rejected, perhaps you are justifying a belief by pushing people away. Only you can answer that. Perhaps speaking to a professional will speed up the process of finding out why.

But to start, rather than looking for what's wrong, perhaps try looking for what is right about that person before looking for the negative.
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I believe this is what I do, I sabotage before it can get real. Too real to be vulnerable and therefore concentrate on any excuse to walk away. I know this is part of the issue, I just dont know how to fix it. How to change the way of thinking while it happens.
 
bobbleworc said:
as others have pointed out, sex doesn't have to be about hearts and roses all the time, even with a partner in a monogamous relationship - sometimes you just want a 'quickie' or just something very 'hot and intense' - ie something primal, an urgent need or desire and is more about oneself than your partner, other times it really is 'making love' when its about mutual sex, however you happen to have that between you and is about both partners enjoying each other and pleasing each other. I've done both in a relationship as have my partners and I think both are equally valid?

outside of a relationship, even if there is a 'connection' of sorts and you truly are trying to please each other, to me that's just sex - good fun but just about the physicality of it.
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I fully see that as valid too. And you seem to have a more reasonable approach to sex is just sex.

My last encunter of sex is just sex guys it came up on our first date. He went on about how “we all have sex, get over it, its just sex” and not seeing any type of exclusivity.
I think Ive started this thread to get a better understandig of how their mindset works to perhaps see if I should completely avoid dating these guys or if there isnt a threat there.

Late night rambles. Probably makes zero sense.
 
Daschunq said:
I believe this is what I do, I sabotage before it can get real. Too real to be vulnerable and therefore concentrate on any excuse to walk away. I know this is part of the issue, I just dont know how to fix it. How to change the way of thinking while it happens.
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I believe it's a two part process. Firstly it's being accepting of yourself. Owning the good and the bad. Yes, strive to be the best version of yourself but remember that everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Secondly, if you are being yourself and the other person doesn't like you then that's ok. It never was going to work anyway. They are doing you a favor. People eliminating themselves is part of the culling process to find the right person. It's not a reflection of your value, don't take it personally.
 
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Daschunq said:
I fully see that as valid too. And you seem to have a more reasonable approach to sex is just sex.

My last encunter of sex is just sex guys it came up on our first date. He went on about how “we all have sex, get over it, its just sex” and not seeing any type of exclusivity.
I think Ive started this thread to get a better understandig of how their mindset works to perhaps see if I should completely avoid dating these guys or if there isnt a threat there.

Late night rambles. Probably makes zero sense.
Click to expand...

 
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Daschunq said:
Struggling trusting guys who has the ‘we all have sex, its just sex. Sex is sex’ attitude.
First it feels like you’ll never be able to please them for the long run. How do you keep an exclusive relationship if the most exclusive thing is “just” sex and not more for the partner?
Is there a higher chance they will cheat or leave when bored of the sex or am I just synical?
Can sex be just sex and is there an explonation for the more..narrow minded people? Thankful for enlightment
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If that person is already saying that Sex is just sex, then they are already cheating and doing other stuff. Having an exclusive relationship in next to impossible. Reason, being that person is not comfortable with themself. Maybe they have been hurt or maybe they have a problem with commitment.
 
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